I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me
Every morning for this past week, I have opened my eyes, sat up in bed, and turned on my computer to check my grades, if they have been updated, if they have changed, if they are out. There was a class that, in the middle of the quarter, I began to slack off in. By the time I got to a point where even if I studied, I felt that I would fail, I began to stop going to class altogether. I went one more time, to make sure that the material was out of my grasp. And it was. It was overwhelming, difficult, and demanded time I didn’t have to give.
Then my life goals changed. I had a new goal to strive for that demanded excellence. Suddenly, passing this class that I had, at this point, dropped to a pass/no pass class became necessary. Otherwise, it would throw a serious dent in my academic career. Also, it would be the first fail I’ve ever had in a class.
So a week or two before the final, I sat down with a list of all the key concepts to be covered on the final. At first look, the list was daunting. I could not imagine getting through the material, let alone in a week. I stopped going out, I stopped seeing people, I stopped responding. Instead, I sat at my desk and slowly, went through every topic. If I didn’t understand it, I sat reading the textbook and examples until I did. The act of crossing each accomplished topic reassured me that I was making progress at something I thought was impossible. During this time, I read a quote on my friend’s tumblr: “Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It’s an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It’s a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible in temporary. Impossibly is nothing.” For me, the impossible wore down to possible. Possible wore down to something easily in my grasp. I went into the final confident and of course, left doubtful.
This morning, I woke up, sat up in bed, and checked my grades (Obsessive, I know). I had passed! And there was a complete flood of relief. But I thought back to my quarter to see if I was happy with it.
I sacrificed a lot of things to try to do well: my friendships, not just with the people closest to me at San Diego but from home and across the country; my health, letting my stress manifest itself in such unhealthy ways, etc.
So, the point to this post, I guess, is to make a promise to myself. To understand that there are few things that are really impossible. To strive to take small steps to accomplish big things. To not neglect my relationships with people. It’s true at the end of the day, careers, work, and studies won’t abandon you but really, that’s not how I want to be living.
This spring break was really difficult because there was so much more than just grades on my mind. For a day, I had to stop responding to arguments and shut off. I stayed in bed with my books and music behind a closed door. But I resumed with the rest of my life and the time I spent with my friends made me understand how important it is to have people who care for you to keep you accountable, to encourage you, and for you, to be humbled by their struggles and their willingness to love you, in spite of all their own burdens.
What a long post but I guess, I’ll end with what I’m holding onto: “The best thing God has created is a new day” - Sigur Rós.
Second chances and clean slates! Hello, spring quarter.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.
—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
the art of losing’s not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
today was pretty much the most perfect day. Not in the I-did-so-many-crazy-things way but I did everything I love to do with a great friend. Not overwhelmingly adventurous or crammed with a thousand fun things but perfect.
Let’s all pack up and move this year
Slips the liars and disappear
Leave memories for auctioneers
And those just standing still
They’ll miss the taste of wanting you
Call out your name like I still do
But they never said a word thats true
And they only hold you down
And this heartbreak world
Of just imagine
With its tired talk of better days
And this heartbreak world
Where nothing matters
Come on lets make this dream that’s barely half awake come true
Let’s move out of Los Angeles
Just drive until this summer gives
And forget the lies we use to live
‘cause we’re gone
When I need to get out, get away, need space, my reflexive response is to run to in a place of refuge.
Health:
- Drink plenty of water.
- Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
- Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
- Live with the 3 E’s - Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
- Play more games.
- Read more books than you did in 2009.
- Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
- Sleep for 7 hours.
- Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
Personality:
- Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
- Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
- Don’t over do. Keep your limits.
- Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
- Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
- Dream more while you are awake.
- Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
- Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
- Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
- Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
- No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
- Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
- Smile and laugh more.
- You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Society:
- Call your family often.
- Each day give something good to others.
- Forgive everyone for everything.
- Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
- Try to make at least three people smile each day.
- What other people think of you is none of your business.
- Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
- Do the right thing!
- Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
- However good or bad a situation is, it will change.34. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
- The best is yet to come.
- Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
Rachel! :) May your 22nd year be more than you imagined it could ever be. I can’t wait to see how much you will grow as a person and a friend. Stay healthy, beautiful (inside & out), and amazing. Happy birthday!
